Me, Myself and Memories

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  Noreen 6:00 pm on November 8, 2018 Permalink
  Tags: Michael ( 11 )   

  It feels so good to be home safe and sound after being away for a short time of only 32 hours. My brother Michael was laid to rest today. The family, friends and neighbors who came together was wonderful. It was also overwhelming. I feel weary and spent. That is not a bad thing to feel. I know being home with Dennis I will regenerate after a good’s night rest. I also realize that Michaels’ family doesn’t even know what it will feel like after the weeks and months being on watch 24/7 as Michael was enduring, sometimes struggling the cancer treatments. Their time to regenerate and heal will be to each in their own time in their own quiet and space.

  When Dennis and I got home we were diligent getting our suitcases unpacked. The second item was getting our PJs on. I know I will be settling in for the remainder of the week with not a single need that will demand more of me. Quiet and rest and contemplation until such time that I feel like pulling up the boot straps for what next week may bring.

  The blessing of the pastor’s at the close of the service said it all, “Blessed be Michael’s memory.”

   
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  Noreen 10:19 am on November 7, 2018 Permalink
  Tags: Michael ( 11 )   

  Hmm, I was so sure we would have Indian Summer. As Dennis and I started picking up the yard and getting ready to button it up for winter, we never had a chance to work without a jacket and gloves.

  When I opened my eyes this morning I was lying on my right side in bed and facing north. For some time I watch the boughs of the large evergreen swaying in the wind. It was tranquil. It was comforting. Several Morning Doves flitted among boughs. Peaceful.

  Today Dennis and I are traveling north. We will be at Michael’s viewing this afternoon and evening. It seemed to be the wisest to stay overnight in Hutchinson and travel on to Glencoe for the funeral tomorrow. No doubt it will be a time to take in some somber visitors as well as those who can bring to mind a remembrance that will bring a smile and no doubt laughter. It will be a good thing.

  Dennis is preparing the patio porch for his kids to spend some time alone. Fresh litter box, plenty of food and water will be at hand. On the down side is if they all decide to make an appearance into the patio porch before we leave. The cats have the run of the yard at their will. They generally show up at curfew time to spend the night in their boxes. If some need to spend the night outside, it will be just that much sweeter when we return tomorrow towards evening and the open doors will welcome them home.

  I feel good this morning. My headache has subsided. It’s a good thing.

   
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  Noreen 5:36 pm on November 6, 2018 Permalink
  Tags: Dad ( 5 ), Elvera ( 3 ), Michael ( 11 ), Mom ( 5 )   

  What a blustery day. You know the wind is strong, steady and howling when the stubborn Lilacs let go of their leaves. We have a wind chime in the Evergreen on the northwest corner of the house. It dinged and clanged to the point I was sure it would end up on the ground by daylight.

  Yesterday was a frenzy of phone messages, text messages and emails wanting to be informed and supportive of Michael’s family. Today was a quiet day. Not even a single phone call with a political agenda. I did speak with Michael’s wife, JoAnn, this morning. Her three daughters, their husbands and five grandchildren are keeping her quite busy. In time to come the quiet will close in, reflections as she looks at aspects of their home. How could it not.

  I admit I have had a nagging headache since Friday. Our bodies do not lie to us. We get busy and shove things to the back of our brains. We can exhaust ourselves cleaning house and washing laundry. We can throw ourselves into mind challenging stitch patterns. You think you are fooling yourself . . . Not! You can’t fool your body and brain. I have tomorrows yet to come to let reality sink in of the loss of Michael. Within time, that nagging headache will become a soft feeling in my heart when I think of him. I know that I will heal.

  It took me an awfully long time before I could speak or think of the loss of my Dad and Mom without tears seeping down my checks. My sister Elvera was taken suddenly. No one to call and say “Do you have the recipe of Mom’s for such and such recipe?” “When are we going to check out that new quilt shop that they call The Old Alley Quilt Shop?” I am so fortunate. Many people do not have those treasures that have touched them to their core. I have had, I do have . . . my life is rich beyond measure.

   
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  Noreen 3:59 pm on November 5, 2018 Permalink
  Tags: Michael ( 11 )   

  What to Do 

  My youngest brother is now at peace.  No more surgeries, no more treatments, no more pain.  It’s hard to wrap my head around it.  Michael was at his home with JoAnn when Michael’s fight ceased. Michael has always been the one for in depth conversations about family, things that actually mattered to his family or mine.  We left the fluff of the latest news to someone else.  Our history mattered.  Our feelings for each other mattered.  Our concerns mattered to each other.  We shared life.  How thankful that he and I got to share one on one this summer several times.  Priceless.  When I would look into his blue eyes, my blue eyes were reflected in his.  When I held his hand, the pressure from his hand warmed my heart and soul.  For a time today I didn’t carry a tissue, I had a clean white dish towel in my hands.  My tears were nothing but feelings.  Real feelings.  How grateful I am that I have them.  I will always have those warm fuzzy feelings about Michael. I will heal in time.  It’s the time of hurt that I actually cherish.  It is my loss that I am cherishing.  

  What to do?  I contacted everyone that I knew who would want to know of Michael’s passing.  JoAnn and their daughters have plenty to contend with today.  I struggled with phone conversations.  It was easier to text or send an email.  I didn’t apologize about my tears.  They were mine to shed.

  This afternoon had really become heavy time.  Pacing isn’t a good thing.  I decided to go down into the sewing studio and find something to occupy some time, some mindset.  I needed to have something in front of me to concentrate on.  Nothing complex.  Not much that would need concentration.  Just something going on in front of me.  I started up the embroidery machine with a stitchery that involved nothing but electricity and the lowest speed possible.  I sat and watched the stitches fill the fabric and let the stitches fill an emptiness.  

  The day is getting better.  I have a supper to fix for Dennis and me.  I have the will to make good use of this day.  This day will get easier so much faster for me than Michael’s Joann, Erin, Laura and Michaela.  They are immersed in putting items in place for closure.  Their time for pure grief will be yet to come when there will be the emptiness that each will feel in their own right.   

  What to do?  Enjoy the peace that Michael now has.  Enjoy the impact that my little brother has made in my life.  That is truly priceless.

   
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  Noreen 7:02 pm on November 4, 2018 Permalink  

  Today has felt like a very long day. I have not heard anything from Michael’s family at the hospital since this mid-afternoon. Dennis and I have both been at the spot that Michael’s family is now. Hurry and wait. Wait and pace.

  I found myself keeping busy in the sewing studio. I didn’t even find myself frustrated when I had to throw in the towel of a “what if” that didn’t work out. Dennis was cleaning up some older pieces of metal and glass, making multiple trips up and down the basement steps and then out to the garage and back inside again. Denis and I know how painful the waiting game is . . . what a moment of hope can feel like . . . when a finger of fear creeps in. Letting go . . . let God. It’s easier said than done. The day is ending but the night can seem long.

   
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  Noreen 5:58 pm on November 3, 2018 Permalink  

  Not doing well this evening. I checked in with my kids and know they are o.k. Michael needs all my attention right now with prayer. His family is with him. God speed his recovery. I know he has more to do here with us.

   
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  Noreen 3:20 pm on November 2, 2018 Permalink  

  When this ole hen gets rousted off the roosts before six a.m. it is rare . . . and I have decided I don’t like it. I don’t always get to do what I want when I want it, so that calls for sucking it up and literally putting on my big girl bloomers. I hate driving for several hours in tight clothing . . . just saying.

  There is a portion of the world that is looking forward to going hunting for Bambi tomorrow. My sewing machine technician in Bird Island did have a full slate and I was penciled in at 9:00 a.m., take it or leave it. With daylight saving time starting this weekend, I knew that this was my best option of having my sewing machine serviced as sleet, rain and snow was forecast in the week coming. I would either drive in the dark this morning or perhaps be driving in the dark next week with less than good roads in the late afternoon. For this one time getting up early obviously didn’t hurt me.

  Visiting with Amanda and hubby Kelly is a treat while he works on the sewing machine. I always come away with several good tidbits of using the machine to the fullest. I think it will be a long time before I have crafted all the options available.

  I surprised Kevin when I hit his shop at 11:00 a.m. and I was already on my way home. We had a great visit and getting home a little after 12 Noon felt good having hit the targets that were set for the day. Dennis had kept the home fires going and being greeted by the four footed occupants of the patio porch was a plus. Who doesn’t like to be missed when you are gone for a portion of the day?

  The sewing machine is back in the sewing studio, plugged in awaiting some stitching for perhaps tomorrow. It was noted on the repair slip that the needle has stitched 315 hours to date. I have met the list of dish towels that Dennis wanted for his daughters and granddaughters for their gathering the day after Thanksgiving. They are stacked, wrapped and bagged. I am already working on a few other creative projects that I have had on my to-do list. That list will also need to be worked into the washing of windows in our home. Sunshine is wonderful. When looking through dust- and corn chaff-laden dirty windows, sunshine feels like a punishment.

  It is a treat to have leftover hotdish for supper.

   
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  Noreen 2:53 pm on November 1, 2018 Permalink  

  In the fall of the year, my thoughts go to good apples, bright red leaves from the Northern Red Oak and . . . finding dust bunnies. Yesterday I cracked the glass bubble and found dust inside. Once cracked it cannot be ignored. With my Swiffer duster, Pledge and Windex in hand I followed the south wall of the living room. High and low, all was fair game.

  When I stood straight up and gave the back a break, I looked out into the kitchen. Who was that man? He needed to identify himself! It was Dennis! He was at the kitchen sink washing up some of the glassware and had a film of cleaner on a piece of metal that needed a polish.

  This fall he has been busy and on the go seeing things that needed some TLC nonstop.

  Late yesterday afternoon we did head back outside. It was too nice to bypass any last minute projects. I wanted to use the electric tiller one last time to dig out the north side of the sidewalk giving a bit of a trench for next spring snow thaws that drain towards the sidewalk and will wash over the sidewalk a little too close to the north wall of the patio porch. Dennis pulled batteries off of the Cub L0-Boy and the Sears mower as he keeps them in the garage over winter. Yup . . . he is one of very few fellows who enjoys his garage never getting colder than 40 degrees during the winter.

  We headed in and Dennis headed right down to the cistern closet that is our pantry. When he came up, he had: Alfredo sauce, a can of corn, two cans of chicken and a bag of Penne Pasta. He was going to make a hot dish for supper. I pitched in wherever he would allow. Sure enough after a busy day we had a delicious meal. Best part is that the leftovers tonight will be as good as the original.

  Dennis is feeling healthy good this fall. It is amazing! After lunch I decided to do a bit more of the cleaning thing and Dennis was off to take some of his magazines out to the VA clinic for their waiting room. Dennis has a subscription that deals with issues of the Korean conflict: then and now.

  As I tackled the last project of cleaning for the day, Mom came to mind. Every Saturday when we cleaned the farm home, Mom made us take an old knife and scrape off the bottom of the legs of the kitchen chairs before the floor was scrubbed. Shoes were not taken off as Dad and the boys and anyone else came in the house. The floor took the brunt of whatever may have been on the bottom of the shoes. The bottom of the kitchen chairs legs collected a bit of this and a bit of that. My project this afternoon was to clean the rollers off of the three chairs that we use in our dining room. Yup . . . there was stuff on them. I dedicated a piece of the Heavy Duty Scotch-Brite for the job. Tipping the chairs on their sides and taking one roller at a time, scrub a dubbed what had been collected and rolled over.

  We have had another great day here on Stauffer Avenue. One bit of Mom’s advice had always been, “Idle hands are the work of the devil.” Enough said.

   
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  Noreen 4:26 pm on October 31, 2018 Permalink  

  My Parenting Skills 

  I feel I am in a time warp when I observe Dennis’ granddaughters’ approach to their infant children.  It’s not a bad thing, it’s just so foreign to me.  There was a post on Facebook yesterday that got stuck in my brain and sprang to the forefront this morning.  The post was photos of taking an 8 month and a three year old to the Mavericks hockey game.  I cannot fathom what the noise level would be for tiny ears.  I cannot imagine the physical level of energy around the wee ones.  Yes, it’s wonderful that they do events as a family, but how do the little ones come down from the over stimulation?  I have seen these granddaughters taking their small children out in kayaks, riding on three-wheelers.  Hmm.   It’s all good . . . as I don’t have to take part in the fallout of kids being exhausted beyond being reasonable, not acknowledging when the snacking is done and it’s time for a sit down meal.   

  Now, in my day . . . Orlin and I were about setting schedules for Carrie and Kevin that would set a timetable in their minds for rest, for meal times and such that would carry them through from infancy and going forward.  Perhaps pretty fuddy-duddy.  What did we know!  All I can say is we tried our best.  Maybe times have changes and I was standing behind the door when it happened.  

  So . . . what might you say brought on this train of thought this morning.  I have no idea.  I was busy cleaning the dirtiest corner of our house this morning when all this “over thinking” flooded in.  The corner that needed some serious cleaning was where the cold air returns are in the corner of our living room.  It is the corner where my home office resides along with my HP notebook.  We have had the fan on within the central air unit of the home. A home full of air, lint and household dust has traveled through this part of the living room leaving some tell tale signs of an active home.  Maybe I am as much of a fuddy-duddy about cleaning as I was with my parenting skills.

  All I am sure of is this: my babies needed quiet and rest so that interacting in the world could be done on as fair of a playing field as possible.  Oh my gosh, to have some of those wonderful quiet days back again when a blanket on the green lush grass of a fall day opened up a wealth of experiences for my wee ones, all the while having the family dog adding to the day while the kids shared their crackers with it.

   
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  Noreen 4:19 pm on October 30, 2018 Permalink  

  As Promised 

  We promised ourselves a quiet day and today began with us two older ones sleeping until 8:30. In the fog of sleep I heard the garbage man, the side dump semis, the gravel trucks and I cared not one iota.  The coffee pot was full of hot coffee awaiting us.  When I looked out the bathroom window, Snuggles was looking back at me through the slider window of the patio porch.  On the outside of the slider window of the patio porch was Honey Bunny who missed curfew last night and cooled her heels outside for the night.

  I picked through some items for the epileptic drive that will be coming through town tomorrow.  I have some items for kitchen use as well as some clothing items.  Those items are then transferred to the Saver’s stores that are in various towns for the veterans to shop from with little or no resources needed.  

  I think Dennis and I will need some time to wind down and realize that there may be many days where we do not have a job jar pulsing, waiting to be emptied.  I am hoping for some warmer days after the farmers are finished with their harvest and thus the pink corn chaff will be gone.  Dennis has several coffee groups to frequent and I have my sewing studio that always has something for me to poke at.  

  My next “what if” is a piece of woven fabric that looks and feels like cork.  It has the slick finish on the cork side and the woven aspect is on the back side.  Will my Cricut cut it with the heavier blade?  How will it be to machine embroidery on?  It’s always fun to see what can come from being curious.